Today I remembered something that happened a long time ago. I was looking at a picture of a little girl with her head hung down, sad because she couldn't go on a carnival ride. The caption says something about her not being able to afford the ticket.
This is what sparked my memory.
During the lean years, as I like to call them, when T (my niece) was a little kid, 6 or 7 years old, I guess, and I was a struggling 26 or 27 year old single parent, we just didn't have any money. None. We were poor. Not welfare poor, but working poor. I wanted to be able to give her things, take her places, but I just couldn't. It was all I could do to pay the rent, utilities, and buy food and gas, and pay for daycare.
One weekend during Rose Festival (we lived in Portland, OR at the time), we went down to the waterfront. We wanted to walk around, see things.
Of course, they had a carnival set up down there, and there were kids screaming and having a good time all around. T wanted so badly to go on a ride. Just one ride, she begged. So I went over to the ticket booth to see how much the tickets were. It would have cost $5.00 for me to take her on just one ride. I couldn't do it. It broke my heart, but I had to say no. She didn't understand and began to cry. I remember kneeling down in front of her, trying to explain why she couldn't go on the ferris wheel. That the tickets cost too much, and we couldn't afford to go on it. Just after I stood up, a young sailor from one of the docked ships came over to me and asked if he could please buy us tickets to go on the ferris wheel. He had apparently overheard us. I was taken by surprise, and a little embarassed. I thanked him, but said no. He pleaded with me to let him buy us tickets. I was too damn proud to let him. I couldn't accept charity from this stranger. We could go without a ride on the ferris wheel.
How I wish I'd accepted that generous young man's offer. How I wish I'd swallowed my pride and took him up on it. Not for me, but for T. She reminds me of this little girl in the picture here. Head hung down, crying. I could have given in just for her. So what if I felt like a loser who couldn't even afford to take her kid on the ferris wheel and had to have strangers pay her way? So what. T could have ridden the ferris wheel that day, and we would have made that young man feel good. Because, I tell you what. If I could buy the little girl in this picture a ticket for the ride, I would. In an instant. Just like that sailor. He wanted to do that nice thing. He pleaded with me to let him do that very nice thing. And I denied him. I was such an idiot.
I can't believe the emotions that are flooding back to me because of this memory. Those were some hard days in my life. In *our* life. Me and T. Just the two of us. Now she's practically an adult and I bet she doesn't even remember that carnival or the sailor. Probably just as well.
It kind of makes me sad to remember it.
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