I need to get a little writing time in before B wakes up. On the weekends, I try very hard to wake up at least an hour before she does so I can have some caffeine and a few minutes to myself. So far, so good this morning.
I've had something weighing on my mind lately -- the past several months, actually -- but I don't think I've ever mentioned it here. There's no way to be brief, but I'll try.
My husband works for a large aerospace company that recently lost an enormous government contract to another large aerospace company (ooooh, that's vague, isn't it?). P has always enjoyed working for the loser company (loser in that they recently lost a HUGE contract), but has also always admired the winner company, as it is located in the hub of the aerospace community and is very respectable and has put together some mighty impressive aircraft. Plus, it's in his hometown where all of his family lives.
From time to time, starting waaaay before this JSF contract, P has said that he wouldn't mind working for winner company. The cost of living is so much lower there, that he imagines I wouldn't have to work at all. We could buy a mansion, I could be a lady of leisure, and stay at home with B. Ha ha. That's a little joke there.
So this contract thing has brought this subject into our dinner time conversation once again.
Problems abound, however. First of all, he was handpicked to work on a very special sort of top-secret project that the whole world is waiting for loser company to unveil, which gives him not only a lot of status, but job security as well. He's at the top of the seniority food chain at loser company, and is doing things he absolutely loves. He's recently been given a lot of responsibility, and was even awarded company stock options last year in response to his awesomeness. Ha! That's a good one, eh? Their stock has TANKED in the last year. Anyway�.
So, loser company has announced something upward to 50,000 impending layoffs due to the 9/11 attacks and the loss of the contract, to be completed by next year. We are not affected by these layoffs, but the morale at loser company has dipped so low that P is finding it unbearable. Add that to the uncertainty of loser company even being in business a few years from now (hey, it's just a rumor, but�) and the fact that the Heads are systematically dismantling the company and moving it away from Puget Sound, well, things are not looking too bright.
Now, winner company has announced it has job openings for 9,000 people. P has contacts there and could get the job of his dreams with a phone call.
We have talked about leaving Seattle and moving to Texas many times. This newest situation is all the more reason for us to talk about it again. Let's face it. Seattle is an expensive place to live. Very very very very expensive. Between the two of us, we make an enormous amount of money. Or it would be, if we didn't live in this area. As it is, we get by okay, but like most people, we pray our cars last another few years and are conscious about where we spend our money.
If we lived in Texas, even without my salary, we'd be so far ahead of the game it isn't funny. And we'd be near family, which we are not right now. That's very compelling, as you can imagine. Our biggest roadblock is P's daughter from his first marriage. He can't bear the thought of living away from her. And it's so understandable I can't even begin to argue with it. But here's how it's been making me feel. Forgive me for being selfish for a moment. I can never ever say this stuff to P, and I even try to keep myself from thinking about it, but I need to unload it, so here it is.
As torn as P is about this, a part of me feels like he's willing to sacrifice me and B for the sake of K. K's mom gets to stay at home. In fact, we pay her a lot of money (way more than the court ordered child support) to help subsidize her staying at home. Get it? She gets to stay at home and we're footing the bill, but I have to work my ass off 40 hours a week plus the commute, and B has to be in daycare 10 hours a day. Do you think this makes me just a tad resentful? Well, yeah.
So we have this golden opportunity before us -- one that will benefit him, me, and B, and we can't go for it because of K.
I can imagine the heartbreak of not seeing your child whenever you want. That's why I won't ever push on this. That is not pain I want to inflict on P. But if he were to decide that he could live with a different arrangement, I would support him 100%.
K's mom came from Texas, too. All of her family is down there, and they take trips to visit a couple of times a year. So they're down there often. We could supplement those trips and see them several times a year. I know that's not the same as every other weekend. I know that. But I'm getting a little sick and tired of my desires and B's needs not being as important.
Please, no one needs to tell me how selfish this sounds. I already know.
You can see why this is such a delicate topic around here. And why I can't ever tell P what I'm really feeling. He already feels bad about the K situation. I certainly don't want to make him feel any worse. And I'm not sure that telling him would do anything but drive a wedge between us. I absolutely refuse to do that.
So I'll vent my frustration here and hope the feeling passes.
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