Out of the blue yesterday, P told me he's thinking about becoming a "sports model." I hardly knew how to respond. In the back of my mind, way way way back there, I've always known this was a possibility, and that we'd have to deal with this issue some day. Or, maybe I hoped it wouldn't come up. I don't know. But as a result, all night long I dreamed of babies. Being pregnant, giving birth. Having another little bundle of joy. And in my dreams last night this little bundle was every bit as cute and perfect as B was. In fact, she looked remarkably like B (in my dreams it was always a baby girl).
P is nothing if not a reasonable and practical man. He doesn't do anything impulsively (nothing important, anyway). So I know that by him saying this, he's given it a lot of thought. And his mind is probably made up. Unfortunately, mine is not.
Though I've always known B would probably be my only child, the fact that there was the possibility, however remote, that I could have another has comforted me. I think I've secretly hoped we would have another -- that P would want to give it another go. Because our family is so happy, and B has been such a joy to us. But we agreed that we'd only have one. And I was happy to agree to that. And, frankly, if I couldn't have another, I'd still be happy. But there's a difference between being able to have another baby, and choosing not to, and NOT being able to have one. Having the choice taken away. I think that's what's getting to me.
P's afraid of accidents. Of having a child we'd have to nickname Boo Boo (that's his little joke). I, on the other hand, would welcome such an accident. In some insane way, I think I'd justify it as a divine decision. God must want us to have another one -- we weren't trying for it, yet we got one anyway. That sort of thing. But nah, I know better than that. But still, a part of me really might feel that way.
This is one of those things I think I am going to have to learn to live with. Don't think for one minute like I won't try to talk him out of it, though. Because I am going to. I don't know what circular logic I will come up with (that he will no doubt see right through), but I'll try. I may not win the argument. But I will try.
It will sure be a lot easier if I stop dreaming of having babies. Cute little babies that look up and smile at me as soon as they come out. How am I supposed to get THAT image out of my head? Jeesh!
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