This past week I have been in a constant state of irritation with P. It's been like a nagging unease, a feeling of tenseness. Unexplained terseness. It reached a feverish pitch at around 4 pm yesterday. Fortunately, like a fever, it broke last night at about 10 pm, over tuna fish sandwiches.
It all started on Monday, when P called home to say he was going to his buddy's house for dinner, and would be home late. That was a little irritating, but okay.
On Tuesday, I was feeling very sad about Lora and her son's situation, and he totally stole my thunder about the Ebay prize I won for HIS Christmas present, by stating that he'd changed his mind and he hoped I hadn't gone ahead and bought it. So, I lost it and cried and cried. Which made him feel terrible, so that was good.
So then he's totally backtracking and saying how GLAD he was I won it for him, and what a good deal I got. Blah blah. But I felt like he was just trying to make me feel better, so I didn't give him credit for it. I was still upset. Besides that, even if he was happy about it, the fact that he forced me to tell him my surprise really pissed me off. That was supposed to be his Christmas present. Like I said, he totally stole my thunder and absolutely ruined my fun.
The past couple of days he's been acting all excited about it. In case I didn't mention it before, it's a Sony stereo receiver/amp he's been coveting forever. Don't know the specifics about it. Only know it retails at about $900 dollars, and I got it for $340. Plus shipping.
Oh, I guess I could have let bygones be bygones. By Wednesday he had managed to sort of make me believe he really was happy about the amp, and wanted to know when it was going to arrive. I told him that was none of his business because as soon as I got it, I was going to turn around and put it right back on Ebay. He was crushed. I was kidding, of course. I did tell him, however, that he needn't concern himself with its arrival date, because he wasn't going to get it until Christmas. He was crushed again. So that made me feel a little better too.
Then yesterday, he called me at about 5:30, his normal leave-the-office time, to inform me he was going to go out to dinner with his friend again to avoid the worst of the commute home. He'd probably see me around 9 pm.
Was I upset? Yes, I was. And not just because that was twice in one week that he felt the need to miss dinner with his family.
I was mad because he could do it. There was nothing in the way of him doing that. And really, why shouldn't he be able to enjoy a dinner out with his buddy if he wants to? He should. That's not what my frustration is about (I have come to realize).
I'm jealous of his freedom. He doesn't have to drop off or pick up B from daycare. He can work late if he wants to, he can go out afterward if he wants to. Since B was born, I have NEVER had that luxury. Because of where he works, and the fact that B's daycare just happens to be on MY way to work, in the exact same direction that I must drive anyway, and the fact that he has a hellacious commute to and from work every day, in the opposite direction, means I have to be the one who tends to our daughter. Every. Single. Day. Without. Exception.
Friends going out after work? I can't go. Friends want to go shopping after work, grab dinner? I can't go. Going away party for co-worker at the pub down the street after work? I can't go. Anything spur of the moment is out of the question for me. But not for P. He's free as a bird.
And I've been feeling this all very strongly this week for some reason.
He came home around 10 pm last night. B and I were still awake, watching television in our big bed, cozy and snuggling. He came upstairs, apologetic. I asked how his dinner was, and he started in on how fabulous this restaurant was, what he ate, how it was prepared. I asked him to please shut up about the food because I was hungry, as I hadn't bothered to feed myself dinner (in protest).
So then we talked about how we need to reconnect. Too much time has gone by since just he and I were alone together. Maybe we need a joint activity. What can we work out? What should we try? Let's try this. Okay, tomorrow, let's go check out this and give it a try. Let's have some us time. It was a good talk. A little off-target, maybe. But good nonetheless.
So I suggested we go downstairs so I could get a snack. And I think by that time I'd just decided I didn't want to be mad anymore, but I was hungry. So downstairs we went, and I made tuna fish sandwiches. Which we all ate - even P. And I felt better.
And then I realized. It wasn't just the fact that I am so tied down and P isn't. It's also the fact that I just need a break, plain and simple. We need a break, together. We're way overdue, and it shows.
So. Weekend after next, B goes off to spend TWO nights at her sister's house. P and I will have an entire weekend off, to be alone together. To reconnect. To Christmas shop at our leisure. To do whatever we want.
And after that�well, maybe then we'll discuss the inequities that exist in our day to day schedules and lives. Because that's still here. I'm just not simmering over it at the moment.
0 Comment(s)
