I received a letter in the mail yesterday that's freaking me out. I don't know what to do about it. It's my own fault. I started the whole thing. Now I am unsure about how to proceed. Or if to proceed.
My real father abandoned my mother, older brother (T's father), and me before I was even born. My mom was pregnant with me, and he just took off. I've never met him. Never spoken to him. I know his name, where he lives, his latest wife's name, her address. I know quite a lot about him, but I do not know *him*. About six months ago I wrote a letter to his latest wife -- I got her address from the internet -- and I told her I just needed to know if he was still alive. I didn't want to talk to him, or write to him. Since my mom died, I've been wondering if I'm an orphan. Stupid, yes. But I've wondered. I told her about my daugher, husband, life. I asked her to let me know about him, and that was pretty much it. Nothing emotional.
I didn't hear from her. Not for six months. So long, in fact, that I had almost forgotten about the letter I wrote to her. Then last night there was this letter from her in my mailbox. Seems she'd been in Europe for the past six months and had recently returned home. She found my letter while going through her mail, and wrote back as soon as she could. Her letter to me was not what I expected. In contrast to the "matter-of-fact" tone I tried to impart in my letter to her, she filled her letter to me with warmth and affection. She defended my father a little, telling me he is a "good guy who made mistakes." At least now I know he's alive. I can't vouch for her opinions of him. I certainly have my own.
By all accounts, my father was an irresponsible bastard. He abandoned my mother -- she had a baby and another one on the way. And he left her. She had nothing. WE had nothing. We depended on the charity of friends and relatives to survive. In fact, I was told that we lived with *his* parents for a time. Where was he? I don't know. I do know that, like my brother - his son - he never contributed financially to the raising of his children. From what I can tell, my brother is a chip off the old block. Some things are definitely genetic, I'm convinced of that.
The turning point in all of our lives was when my mother met R (my DAD). I was a baby - 9 months old, I think. Stories that have been told to me about those early days indicate that R fell in love with me! And my mom, of course, but he has always had a soft spot for kids. Especially babies. He married my mom, took me and my brother in as his own, and soon my little brother came along. We were a family - a happy one, from my perspective. My Dad loved us as truly as any father could. I never, in my entire life, have doubted his love for me. He has been the most stable and influential figure in my life. I cannot bear the thought of losing him - as we almost did this past October - my world will crumble around me. It was BAD losing my mom. I loved her and I miss her tremendously. But my Dad... it anguishes me to even think about the possibility.
So you can imagine how much I DO NOT WANT TO HURT my Dad. So this whole subject has been a delicate one. I don't know if I will tell him I've made contact with "the other side." Maybe I'll wait and see what happens.
I digressed from the letter... In it she said that she was sorry, but even though I asked her not to let him know I'd written, she felt she must let him read it -- he had to know that I was out there, and had questions. And she said she was sorry about my Mom. And happy for me that I am a mom, myself. And she wants to keep in touch with me - even promised to keep it from him if that's what I wanted.
My head is spinning a little. A part of me wants to know more. A part of me wants to RAGE at him for what he put my mother through. A part of me wants to scream at him and point my finger at him and say, "Look at what you did to your son! He's just like you, and it's YOUR fault." And an even bigger part of me wants to tell him how grateful he should be to my Dad, and remind him over and over and over again just how much he owes that man. Not just money. He owes my Dad *everything*.
Will I ever meet him? I don't know. I don't know if I want to. But that's a door I'm not willing to close just yet. I don't hate him. I don't even know him. But I hate what he did, and I hate that he helped create us and then went his merry way, as if we didn't even exist. And that he left his most important work for another man to do for him. I guess I should thank him for that. My life may not have been as good if he'd stuck around. But still...
So there you go. My quandary. Where do I go from here?
0 Comment(s)
