I am so lame. I just realized that I forgot to call my niece on Sunday and ask her how her prom Saturday night went. That poor girl - stuck with an aunt like me. And I'm the only aunt she has. We have an extensive history together, which would take me hours to detail. So here's the abbreviated version (for now).
When I was 24 (and she was 4) she (T) came to live with me. I was recently divorced from my ass-husband. T's father is my older brother, and her mother is a woman he met while on a weekend leave from the marine corp. Neither one of them is fit to be a parent. After being shuffled around, used as a pawn, and unsettled for the first four years of her life, this little angel finally came to be with me. I loved her from the moment I first saw her at 5 months old. I wanted her then, but the time wasn't right.
Finally, when she was 4, everybody concerned (my parents, my brother) agreed it would be best if she lived with me. After all, I *wanted* her. That was a big plus. Her mother had completely disappeared from her life. I became T's mother. I remember the first time she called me Mommy. She was 5 years old, and I'd arrived at her daycare to pick her up. She ran up to me and said, "Hi, mommy!" with this little glint in her eye, as if trying to gauge my reaction. I was delighted! From then on, I was her Mommy.
I wasn't making a lot of money at my job, and I certainly didn't receive any money from my brother or his wife, so we were poor. There were times I'd have to knowingly write bad checks to buy groceries. Our electricity and phone were cut off more times than I can remember. My parents helped me with her daycare expenses, and made my car payments for me, so that really helped a lot. But we got absolutely nothing from either of her parents.
I was newly divorced, and reeling from it, but I relished the role of Mommy to this beautiful child. And she was (still is) beautiful. People would stop us wherever we went just so they could look at her. How such a beautiful, delightful child could be born to two people as worthless as her mother and father is beyond me. When I think of what they put her through, what they put US through, it makes me very very angry. Yes, I have issues with my brother. I had them then, and they carry on today. We don't talk about it much now, but oh yes, I have issues with him. But I digress.
I was the ultimate Mama Bear. I remember that her best friends from her Kindergarten class were all going to a certain elementary school in the fall. This particular school was considered one of the best - better than the one T was headed for. So we moved. I got an apartment for us in the district of the school where all her friends were going. So she could go there too. I'm so glad I did that.
So, moving ahead... T lived with me for 8 years. But when she was 11 years old, my employer relocated me to Seattle. After about a year, T missed her Grampa and friends back home so much, I agreed to let her move back there. It was a really really hard decision. I had a hard time letting her go, but knowing how close she was to my dad and my younger brother (her uncle), made it easier.
I keep in close contact with all of them. I still try to mother her long distance. She's 17 now, and a stunning young woman. I am acutely aware that over the last 5 years, she has longed for me to move back there and be her mother again. I know this. She's told me. But my life is here. I can't go home -- I *am* home. Shortly after she moved back, I met P, fell in love, got married, built a life, bought a house, had a baby.
So, T went to the prom on Saturday night. Last weekend I drove down there and she showed me her dress, her shoes, told me her plans. We spent a lot of time together. She's such a great young lady. And I wanted to call her on Sunday to see how it went. And I forgot. I could just shoot myself.
So I'll call her tonight and beg forgiveness for being neglectful. She'll say it's okay - no big deal. But to this child, who has never had a "real" mother - just me muddling through the best I could - I think maybe it is a big deal. She would never say it, but I think maybe it is. Maybe she just needs to know I'm paying attention, and am interested in her life. That B hasn't replaced her.
Wow, I really miss her.
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