I went to a baby shower yesterday for hubby’s ex-wife (N) at the home of one of her best girlfriends. It was a really lovely party, but I didn’t know anyone there except her and K, and the whole thing left me feeling very isolated, sad and lonely. And, probably irrationally, I also left feeling uncultivated, less than sohisticated, and maybe even a little class-less.
For one thing, there were 26 women at the party. Each and every one of them near and dear to N’s heart, all of them seemingly close friends, sharing stories, talking amongst themselves, obviously very caring and devoted to N as a friend. I looked around the room at these women, and I was faced with the realization that I do not have such friendships. My circle of friends, such that it is, is extremely small. My best friend lives 3 hours away from me. My other good friend works where I work, is single, and our paths do not cross often outside of work. Another gal I like very much and consider to be a good friend lives in this “area” but as far on the other end as possible, and has a work schedule that makes her unavailable on weekends, so I do not get to just “hang out” with her. Plus, there’s that whole working life/child raising thing that makes it hard for me to cultivate friendships that I can devote a lot of time to.
And as I sat among these women at the shower, I felt my isolation profoundly. I know how N makes friends. She belongs to a church, is very active and involved in it, and she lives in a neighborhood where there are a lot of SAHM moms, like her, with similar interests and lifestyles. I know she spends a lot of time socializing with other women, cultivating friendships, giving and taking, and having little parties and attending their parties. Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t have a network like that. I like my neighbors just fine, but there aren’t many of them, and despite how well I like them as neighbors, I haven’t “clicked” with them on a girlfriend level. Could be our age differences, me being at least 10 years older than either of them, or it could be that they are black families, we are a white family, so they have that in common with each other, so they have bonded, and seem to spend a lot of time together. Maybe I feel like an outsider?
If I don’t go to church, don’t have that suburban neighborhood gather-at-the-fence thing going for me, still have to work outside the home, still want to spend some meaningful time with my family, how do I form the female friendships that are so important?
As for the class-less thing, maybe it was just a pity party going on inside my head, but it seemed to me that, compared to the baby shower I threw for my niece this past November, this party was a five star event. Broiled salmon, fresh homemade salads, chicken kabobs, everything absolutely delicious. And served on sparkling glass plates. Punch in a silver punchbowl. Faux crystal plastic glasses (not cups). Real silverware. When I plan a party? Sandwich tray from Albertson’s. Caesar salad from a bag. Soft drinks in paper cups. And paper plates and plastic forks, naturally.
I don’t even own a punchbowl, let alone a silver one.
Maybe I lack elegance. Attention to detail. Maybe I’m just lazy. After the party, I immediately wanted to go out and buy new serving ware. Enough for large parties. With matching goblets. And beautiful serving plates and bowls. And then I thought, What for? Who am I going to throw a party for now? It’s not like I have a long list of friends…
Every detail of yesterday’s party was perfect. And, somehow, it didn’t feel pretentious. It felt like that’s how a special occasion should be. Like you should have special plates and stuff, set aside, and ready to pull out for a special occasion. I’ve never had that. We use our every day dishes for Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving. I’m seriously thinking about making a change here.
I don’t know. It was all just so pretty, and I felt pretty being there. Makes me think about what kind of hostess I am, or would be, and if I have the grace to pull off something as nice as that. I wonder. I don't feel very graceful today.
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