I went to a baby shower yesterday for hubby�s ex-wife (N) at the home of one of her best girlfriends. It was a really lovely party, but I didn�t know anyone there except her and K, and the whole thing left me feeling very isolated, sad and lonely. And, probably irrationally, I also left feeling uncultivated, less than sohisticated, and maybe even a little class-less.
For one thing, there were 26 women at the party. Each and every one of them near and dear to N�s heart, all of them seemingly close friends, sharing stories, talking amongst themselves, obviously very caring and devoted to N as a friend. I looked around the room at these women, and I was faced with the realization that I do not have such friendships. My circle of friends, such that it is, is extremely small. My best friend lives 3 hours away from me. My other good friend works where I work, is single, and our paths do not cross often outside of work. Another gal I like very much and consider to be a good friend lives in this �area� but as far on the other end as possible, and has a work schedule that makes her unavailable on weekends, so I do not get to just �hang out� with her. Plus, there�s that whole working life/child raising thing that makes it hard for me to cultivate friendships that I can devote a lot of time to.
And as I sat among these women at the shower, I felt my isolation profoundly. I know how N makes friends. She belongs to a church, is very active and involved in it, and she lives in a neighborhood where there are a lot of SAHM moms, like her, with similar interests and lifestyles. I know she spends a lot of time socializing with other women, cultivating friendships, giving and taking, and having little parties and attending their parties. Maybe that�s my problem. I don�t have a network like that. I like my neighbors just fine, but there aren�t many of them, and despite how well I like them as neighbors, I haven�t �clicked� with them on a girlfriend level. Could be our age differences, me being at least 10 years older than either of them, or it could be that they are black families, we are a white family, so they have that in common with each other, so they have bonded, and seem to spend a lot of time together. Maybe I feel like an outsider?
If I don�t go to church, don�t have that suburban neighborhood gather-at-the-fence thing going for me, still have to work outside the home, still want to spend some meaningful time with my family, how do I form the female friendships that are so important?
As for the class-less thing, maybe it was just a pity party going on inside my head, but it seemed to me that, compared to the baby shower I threw for my niece this past November, this party was a five star event. Broiled salmon, fresh homemade salads, chicken kabobs, everything absolutely delicious. And served on sparkling glass plates. Punch in a silver punchbowl. Faux crystal plastic glasses (not cups). Real silverware. When I plan a party? Sandwich tray from Albertson�s. Caesar salad from a bag. Soft drinks in paper cups. And paper plates and plastic forks, naturally.
I don�t even own a punchbowl, let alone a silver one.
Maybe I lack elegance. Attention to detail. Maybe I�m just lazy. After the party, I immediately wanted to go out and buy new serving ware. Enough for large parties. With matching goblets. And beautiful serving plates and bowls. And then I thought, What for? Who am I going to throw a party for now? It�s not like I have a long list of friends�
Every detail of yesterday�s party was perfect. And, somehow, it didn�t feel pretentious. It felt like that�s how a special occasion should be. Like you should have special plates and stuff, set aside, and ready to pull out for a special occasion. I�ve never had that. We use our every day dishes for Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving. I�m seriously thinking about making a change here.
I don�t know. It was all just so pretty, and I felt pretty being there. Makes me think about what kind of hostess I am, or would be, and if I have the grace to pull off something as nice as that. I wonder. I don't feel very graceful today.
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